May 9, 2006
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looking back on my “office” days
i’ve been watching sitcoms in my spare time (or while procrastinating…) and i’m on my last disc of The Office, Season 1. the british one, of course. i’m on the last episode and Timothy, perhaps my favorite character in this whole bit, says something profound:
“Tim: The people you work with are just people you were thrown together with. Y’know, you don’t know them, it wasn’t your choice. And yet you spend more time with them thanyou do your friends or your family. But probably all you’ve got in common is the fact that you walk round on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with – yeah, and Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life – it meant a lot. But if I’m really being honest, I never really thought it would have a happy ending. I don’t know what a happy ending is. Life isn’t about endings, is it? It’s a series of moments. And um, if you turn the camera off, it’s not an ending is it? I’m still here. My life is not over. Come back here in ten years. See how I’m doing then. ‘Cause I could be married with children, you don’t know. Life just goes on. “
and my eyes welled up with tears. see, i had a beautiful ray of sunshine in my old office everyday who thought i way a ray of sunshine as well. the day i saw him, i knew i wanted to know him.
i managed to get a few words in with him and long nights at the office for me with all of the work i was doing and his long nights at the office drafting up business school applications and essays granted us a few nights of random e-mails and an occassional drink after work.
i was so smitten by his quiet ways. i always had to control how calm and collected i sounded despite the thousand of butterflies that awoke inside me whenever he showed the slightest interest in me. he didn’t make it into the business school he wanted, so he was stuck for another year at “the office”. i waited that year for a kiss from him.
i never told anyone more than what i have told him and i don’t plan on doing so in the future. he single-handedly got me to focus and pull my shit together long enough to well-prepare myself for law school applications. through some really confusing and difficult times, he sat by me and held my hand. i may have done the same for him, in some capacity. at some point i felt things were resembling my parents’ relationship, so i broke everything off.
so typical of me to run away from feelings. even if things weren’t perfect, they deserved more effort than what i gave. i still regret it. i don’t know if that’s to say we would have worked out into this super-couple, but i wish i had more time with him. i can only blame myself for not giving us that time. but, honestly, i don’t feel like i deserved to have him to begin with, so maybe i should just appreciate what he’s given me and the time i was allowed with him and take my breaking everything off as an action that just put things back the way they were supposed to be: me going on in my mal-developed style of living and him going on with this driven, successful and incredibly intelligent way of living.
so, Timothy is right. we are randomly placed with people in the flourescently lit, carpeted world that we reside in more than our own homes with our families. i look back on my days in “the office” fondly, knowing that i made the connection of a lifetime with someone by pure chance and whether i get to enjoy that connection in the future will tell, but having it at all is appreciated.
