i figured it out.

outside is quieter than inside.  go effing figure.

i sat outside for 3 hours and did most of my homework in relatively quiet surroundings.

i finished just in time for rush hour.  rush hour is for motorcyclists, bicyclists, pedestrians and cars.  we all have somewhere to go and there’s only one road, malmanaged by unabided traffic lights.

i definitely cut off at least 1 cart-style bicycle.  there were like ten, what was i supposed to do? let all of them go? no.  annoy one and let the rest pass.

upon cutting off a cart-styled bicycle, i witnessed my first game of chicken between a bicyclist and a van.  haha.  it’s so incredible that this goes on.  a bicycle drives forward (he has a green walk bicycle sign) and a van makes a turn towards him.  the bike keeps going and the van slowly keeps going….bumps into the bicyclist and finally stops.

what. the. fuck.

so illegal.

in the united states, that is.

china has to be the loudest fucking place on earth.  in the States, cafes are usually known for their peaceful atmosphere, fostering the young and old to pursue whatever quiet hobbies they may have….whether it be chatting online, reading or studying.  NOT here, my friends.  i’m hoping this lack of peace will just strengthen my abilities to block out all things ridiculously distracting such as 3 am horn-honking, loud boisterous laughing, the blender that’s currently grinding away, and the outdoor-voice (remember that term? teachers were always throwing that term around, in grade school) chatter going on at every table surrounding mine.

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with the lack of quiet, i’ve decided to scrap the thought of getting my well overdue homework completed and begin working on another overdue assignment…(insert loud, shrill sneeze into the background of this moment)….my resume!  yes, the time has come where i have to start thinking about leaving this student-life and re-enter the world of shoes, slacks, button-ups and paychecks….the last being the most important for me, right now, considering how pitifully broke i am.  so broke that it’s fair to say i’m in debt.  i digress.  i need to get a job.  probably a part-time job because at this point, i have no idea if i am going to be accepted into a Boston or New York school since they’ve so kindly wait-listed me.  and, i don’t think i could go full-time back into an office…kill me before i see another cubicle.

i’m preparing myself for a summer of part-time work in Boston (insert loud expressions of surprise….now laughing….wave of loudness, okay now it’s back to normal loud) on the chance that i do get into law school there.

i’ve been absolutely dreading it. revising my resume.

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aside from not having the nicer version of my resume, here in China, i don’t know exactly what i want to do. i was so down about how old i am and how little i’ve technically accomplished and how little i know about myself to move forward on a career path.  i have no super skill or talent to offer this world aside from my true interest in humanity…but what’s that?  as of this afternoon, i felt doomed.

and then i opened up my anticipated shitty resume and actually read it.  i’ve accomplished a lot more than i feel i have.  and maybe that’s because i haven’t been home in a few months and i’ve virtually lost all concept of who i was 3 months ago, but my whole being down on myself was pretty unnecessary.

even if i don’t find the perfect fit for who i think i want to be, i at least have something to market myself as and it’s not half-bad.  i’ve done some fairly decent things in my life and i’m excited to see what new experience will land on that piece of paper representing myself.

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i blog way too much.  it’s to be expected.

shallow pointless blogging follows:

so if you haven’t been on top of your game with celebrity gossip, you’ve missed two breaking news moments:

gwen stefani has given birth and so has angelina jolie

what’s more amazing than them giving birth within days of eachother (via c-section so it’s not that amazing) is what these mothers (and presumabley father’s) have named their children:

gwen’s baby boy is named kingston “king” james mcgregor rossdale

angelina’s baby girl is named shiloh nouvel jolie-pitt

so let’s assume that one of these kids doesn’t make it in hollywood…and that’s being super generous with the percentages:  how are king and shiloh going to live normal lives?

 

welcome to your life of craziness, chillin’s.

 

 

i guess i am more in my own world, than i thought, when i don’t have guests visiting me.

i must not talk nearly as much becuase my voice is almost gone from talking so much for these past five days.  simply amazing.

and, yet again, i realize how little mandarin i can speak.  i always feel screwed when i think of how many people here have told me how well i speak and then i meet someone who will really break it down for me by telling me they can hear my american accent and respond to me with a lot of  “What?! Why don’t you know that word?!”

why do they tell me i sound good when i suck?  or maybe it’s all relative.

i maintain a humble mentality in the classroom and the minute i get out, i get slightly defensive when people try to school me….i need to kick that nasty habit of defensiveness because it just don’t fly when you’re learning. 

 

time for some self-improvement.  

 

my long-term, long-distance friend fei-chin came to visit me, from Taiwan.

she has never been to Beijing before, so i’m her tour guide.

it’s been a little interesting when people ask her:

where she’s from – she tries to avoid the question due to some unsettled politicking going on between the two.  she tells people to guess and she’s been called korean and american…never chinese.  interesting.  they think she’s studying chinese here.  that must be a little disheartening for the ego…wouldn’t you think?

questions about her stay in beijing – she answers that this is her first time here and that i’m her tour guide.  that causes some pauses in thought, i think, for the other people: china is changing.

i’ve had a few days of irony and i’ll have a few more.  i’m exhausted but i’ve learned that i can be a tour guide and a student.  it’s impossible to miss a homework assignment with her in the house.  my friends ask us to go out to drink and she says:

“no, we have an early night…we have a lot of homework tonight, don’t we lauren?”

once a teacher, always a teacher.

i like to do so many things.  this makes me unable to do one thing very well….well enough to make a career out of it.

i attribute this to my fear of committment….it’s so severe, i suppose, that it’s seeped beyond my romantic life and into my work life.

i think if i were to remove all inhibitions…the right career for me would include creativity and cubicle-less environments…possibly many of them.

from a completely abstract point of view, and possibly a trippy one, we have this one life to try any and every thought we’ve ever entertained…

each thought takes time to entertain, however…and there’s not nearly enough time in this one lifetime to entertain all of those thoughts or dreams.

there just isn’t.

so you have to pick one. and commit to it. 

if you’re really in touch with yourself, like my sister for instance, you’ll pick the dream you like most and begin entertaining as soon as possible (read: college).  you’ll pave your way, smoothly and seamlessly.  you’ll embark on a career you knew you were meant to do and perhaps attend graduate school to further yourself in your career.  your thought. your dream.

then there are people like us.  i know many of us.  we lapse and relapse over and over again into a state of mind that plays “imagine if…”.  like mine plays these “imagine if”s:

- i really pursued photography…and i became really good and started doing photojournalism…capturing moments for the people who aren’t out on the ground seeing everythin there is to be seen in this world.

- i really pursued clothing and print design…i’d be adding to america’s culture of fashion…an art.

- i really pursued non-profit law…i’d really be doing my part for humanity.  maybe i’d contribute to the field of human rights…maybe i’d create more standards…

- i really pursued entertainment law…i’d be involved in an industry i follow closely, while making plenty of money to support my family…the cushy life.

- i really pursued makeup artistry…every day would be fun and exciting…nothing compares to transformation…even if it is temporary and topical.

- i really pursued interior design…my admitted skill in creating aesthetically pleasing combinations resulting in living quarters could serve me well in the professional world.

- i really pursued fluencey in mandarin…i’d work on an international level for some company who needed me…preferrably one related to something listed above.

- i started a family and just did random jobs that i didn’t mind doing…but had plenty of time for my kids and husband and family…the one thing we’d all like to have, ultimately: time with those whom we’re working for.

 

we all have these thoughts…lots of us can pick one, settle on it and pursue it.  make a life choice out of it.  but i feel like i’m at a point where all of those choices are viable to me and i have no idea which one is going to fit me the most. 

if i put 3 years into law school only to find out that law was never for me and i just thought it was…well there i am at 28, sans a career, husband or children.  square one.

if i do any of those other jobs and they end up not being for me…i’m at square one again.  all of the what-if’s are weighing down on my imagine-if’s and that’s creating stagnancy.

i can’t make a decision.  i can’t commit to any of those dreams.

so my first instinct is to be gentle with myself and not make any big decisions for a while.  my friend once told me her mother always says to use this rationale whenever you’ve just done something big.

living in china is big.

summertime is probably going to be a lot more gentle than anyone in my family is expecting it to be.  i hate letting people down but when it comes down to it: they have their own lives, moments, thoughts and dreams to pursue and make real.

i’ve got to do this at my own pace.

-thank you for reading or not reading and commenting or not commenting.  this is all in effort to peace my mind out, a bit.

translation: a lot of water.

in boston, that is…where else would you hear that kind of weather report…from your father, no less.

then i hear this “tha nauth shaw got ham-ihd”

music to these transplanted ears.

i called my house to wish my mum a happy mother’s day.  i love talking to them because they remind me of what my accent is….even though it’s hidden at all times during my stay here.  it’s hard enough finding a common ground among new found friends, english as a seond language speakers, etc.  i just put away my lack-of-r’s and speak all dorky and nerdy with the R’s included.  that’s how bostonians look at speaking with R’s you know…they think it sounds silly.

ha.

anyway, she’s telling me a story and her response to someone’s bad attitude was:

“HELLO? sowah grapes all ovah tha place?!”

she has to be the most adorable woman ever.

it’s 4 am right now…but i still consider it to be friday night….

i just got home from an uninhibited dance situation going on in san li tun (popular bar street).  finnish girls know what the fuck is up when it comes to letting loose.

in china, there is no “cool” way to dance, carry yourself, talk, etc.  you just are who you are.  what’s cool in the u.s. is not necessarily cool in finland, and vice versa.  so you can reinvent yourself, nightly…depending on how free and crazy you feel.

tonight i was feeling particularly free and crazy.

earlier today, in class, my kou yu (speaking) teacher told me i looked like sarah jessica parker.  i knew it was going to come someday…you know, the “you’re american…so you look like this american actress”…but i never thought it would be HER.  i don’t think i look a whole lot like her, but i took the compliment and said thanks.

i really like her name: cong (from) yong (eternity) qing (clarity/clear)

 

that’s all for now.  the only real thing i have to think about is homework and whether to move to cali or not.  time will tell, i guess.

i’ve been watching sitcoms in my spare time (or while procrastinating…) and i’m on my last disc of The Office, Season 1.  the british one, of course.  i’m on the last episode and Timothy, perhaps my favorite character in this whole bit, says something profound:

“Tim: The people you work with are just people you were thrown together with. Y’know, you don’t know them, it wasn’t your choice. And yet you spend more time with them thanyou do your friends or your family.  But probably all you’ve got in common is the fact that you walk round on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with – yeah, and Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life – it meant a lot. But if I’m really being honest, I never really thought it would have a happy ending. I don’t know what a happy ending is. Life isn’t about endings, is it? It’s a series of moments. And um, if you turn the camera off, it’s not an ending is it? I’m still here. My life is not over. Come back here in ten years. See how I’m doing then. ‘Cause I could be married with children, you don’t know. Life just goes on. “

and my eyes welled up with tears.  see, i had a beautiful ray of sunshine in my old office everyday who thought i way a ray of sunshine as well.  the day i saw him, i knew i wanted to know him.

i managed to get a few words in with him and long nights at the office for me with all of the work i was doing and his long nights at the office drafting up business school applications and essays granted us a few nights of random e-mails and an occassional drink after work.

i was so smitten by his quiet ways.  i always had to control how calm and collected i sounded despite the thousand of butterflies that awoke inside me whenever he showed the slightest interest in me.  he didn’t make it into the business school he wanted, so he was stuck for another year at “the office”.  i waited that year for a kiss from him.

i never told anyone more than what i have told him and i don’t plan on doing so in the future.  he single-handedly got me to focus and pull my shit together long enough to well-prepare myself for law school applications.  through some really confusing and difficult times, he sat by me and held my hand.  i may have done the same for him, in some capacity.  at some point i felt things were resembling my parents’ relationship, so i broke everything off.

so typical of me to run away from feelings.  even if things weren’t perfect, they deserved more effort than what i gave.  i still regret it.  i don’t know if that’s to say we would have worked out into this super-couple, but i wish i had more time with him.  i can only blame myself for not giving us that time.  but, honestly, i don’t feel like i deserved to have him to begin with, so maybe i should just appreciate what he’s given me and the time i was allowed with him and take my breaking everything off as an action that just put things back the way they were supposed to be: me going on in my mal-developed style of living and him going on with this driven, successful and incredibly intelligent way of living.

so, Timothy is right.  we are randomly placed with people in the flourescently lit, carpeted world that we reside in more than our own homes with our families.  i look back on my days in “the office” fondly, knowing that i made the connection of a lifetime with someone by pure chance and whether i get to enjoy that connection in the future will tell, but having it at all is appreciated.